I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
You Might Also Like
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs