Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
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Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
*bites zombie*
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back