Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
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You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.