What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
You Might Also Like
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.