To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
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I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”