me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*