Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
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My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Now this is how you LinkedIn
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational