Kids forever killing vibes 馃拃
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date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you鈥檙e always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
pilot: we鈥檙e approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor鈥檚 garden.
~poetry
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*鈥ou look very pretty
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard