2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
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My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.