Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
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*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Morning.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.