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[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night