Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
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If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Donkey Kong sommelier
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Donating blood today to make room for more food