When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
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Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
The government even made aliens boring
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’