Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
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*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.