Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated