Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
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My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
My love language is hissing.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?