My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
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ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.