Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
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Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I mean…but I did
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
the pigeons are already plenty salty
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.