an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
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They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir