Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
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nice challenge
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.