I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on