my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
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Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.