[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
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Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again