When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
You Might Also Like
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?