Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
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I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
i dont have time for this
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.