I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
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1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
When someone trying to leave me
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.