Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
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My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
True freaking story!
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
“No way.” -Jose
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.