health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
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I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…