Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
You Might Also Like
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early