Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Self-cleaning conscience
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang