If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
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I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”