I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
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Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later