When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
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i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.