A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
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Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.