Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
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My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Acronyms got me like WTF?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow