When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
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Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
It’s an epidemic…
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.