Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room