*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
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6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
doing some research
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.