(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
This line from Airplane.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk