I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
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“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Worlds greatest photobomb
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.