If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
You Might Also Like
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Come back with a warrant
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I am never leaving this website
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl