Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
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“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes