I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
You Might Also Like
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?