It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.