Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*