“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
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Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
oh u like geography? name every lake
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no