I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
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Many hands make light work
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?