Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

Finished stitching this today 😇

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?