Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
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If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
The three genders.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?