My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
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“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line